ESRA Magazine
ESRAmagazine categories

Laugh Out Loud - 208

True History-Brilliant:

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did taketh unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com, as she came to be known, was a comely woman: large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called 'Amazon' Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between, to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. So the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at top price, without ever having to leave his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew It was known as Must Send Drum-Over Sound (MSDOS), and she developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to the People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites (NERDS).

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed, lo he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks!

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel (eBay). He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators?" "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

So that is how it all began - and that's the truth! Amen.

A Wife's Duty:

Three men were sitting around bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a Catholic woman and bragged that he had told his wife she was to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed doing at their house. He said it took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. The second man had married a Mormon woman. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, the house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married a Jewish girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry done and hot meals on the table, every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

Jewish Haiku

Lacking fins or tail the gefilte fish swims with great difficulty.

On Passover we opened the door for Elijah. Now our cat is gone.

After the warm rain the sweet smell of camellias. Did you wipe your feet?

Like a bonsai tree, is your terrible posture at my dinner table.

Is one Nobel prize so much to ask from a child after all I've done?

Yenta. shmeer. gevalt. shlemiel. shlimazl. Meshuganah. Oy, to be fluent!

Hard to tell under the lights - white yarmulke or male-pattern baldness

He's so thoughtful . . .

  • Miriam woke up one morning and told her husband Moishe, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight." Moishe said. That evening, Moishe came home with a small package and gave it to Miriam. Delighted, Miriam opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
  • Reuven is lying on his death bed at the ripe old age of 97. He weakly raises his head and, through whispered, labored breaths, asks, "Where is my wife, Chana?" " Oy, I am here, my love," whimpers the elderly woman as she clutches her husband's hand. "This is good," says Reuven. "And what of my son, Abraham? Is he here?" "I sit here, you meshuggener old man," says Abraham, laughing despite his grief. "You are a good boy, Abraham," whispers Reuven. "And my darling daughter Sarah, where is she?" "Papa, I love you!" cries Sarah as she draws a tissue to her face. "And my grandchildren? Ezekiel, Ruth, Emmanuel, Seraphine, Yoni?" "We are all here, grandpapa!" the children cry in unison. "So my family, all my family, is here with me now?" asks Reuven. "Yes, of course, dear," soothes Chana. "Then why is the light on in the kitchen?"
  • Want to learn Jewish Meditation? Begin practicing letting the other person finish their sentence.
  • It seems a group of leading medical people have published data that indicates that Seder participants should NOT partake of both chopped liver and charoses. It is indicated that this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver.
  • A synagogue passed a rule that whenever the rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation held a meeting. The rabbi said, "Children are a gift from God and we will take as many gifts as He gives us." Mrs. Goldberg responded, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
  • Four Jewish ladies are playing cards. The first lady sighs and says, "Oy..." The second lady nods, sighs, and says, "Oy vey!" The third lady says, "Oy vey is meer!" The fourth lady chimes in: "Enough talk about the children already. Let's get back to the game."
  • A Jewish woman goes to see her rabbi and asks, "Yankele and Yosele are both in love with me, who will be the lucky one?'' The wise old rabbi answers: "Yankele will marry you. Yosele will be the lucky one."
  • Morris returns from a business trip and finds out that his wife has been unfaithful. Who was it?" he yells. "That alte kakker Goldstein?" "No," replied his wife. "Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?" "No, not him." "Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!" "No, it wasn't Rabinovich either..." Morris was now fuming. "What's the matter?" he cried. "None of my friends are good enough for you?"
  • If a married Jewish man is walking alone in a park and expresses an opinion without anybody hearing him, is he still wrong?
  • Two women are seated on a long flight. One says, "I can't help noticing the amazing ring on your finger. The jewel is so beautiful and so large." "Vay tenk you. Yes, it is a spashul jewel. It is famous, you know, it is called di Plotnick diamond. It even comes wit a coise." "Oh my! A curse? How terrible. What is the curse?" "Mr. Plotnick."


No comments made yet. Be the first to submit a comment
Monday, 22 July 2024

Captcha Image


MagazineIsrael- 2019-homepage
There are pockets of coexistence
which kindle hope.
Old cities and very new cities with amazing stories
Find out about the Israeli art scene
The best tours in Israel with ESRA members