Laugh Out Loud - 220

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You are running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

A guy and his buddy were sitting in a bar when one of them looked down at the end of the bar where he spotted two old guys drinking their beers. "That's going to be us in ten years," he remarked to his buddy. His buddy looked toward the end of the bar then replied, "That's a mirror, twit."

When Forrest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forrest. We've heard a lot about you. He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in." "Ok, said Forrest. I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, Life is like a final exam. It's hard." "Yes, Forrest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are:

1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter T?

2) How many seconds are in a year?

3) What is God's first name?

Well, sir, said Forrest, the first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter T? Today and Tomorrow. St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer.

The next question, said Forest, is how many seconds are in a year? Twelve. Twelve? said St. Peter, surprised and confused. 

Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd … St. Peter interrupted him. I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too.

And the last question, said Forrest, is what is God's first name? It's Andy.

Andy? said St. Peter, in shock. How did you come up with Andy? 

I learned it in church. We used to sing about it. Forrest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."

Contributed by: Melody Harris

AND for those of us who moved from Chicago . . . (like me)

At The Villages in Florida last week, there was a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: "I miss Chicago." Someone broke the window, stole the radio, shot out all four tires, and left a note that read: "Hope this helps."

Wonderful Groaners

• I once dated a girl who broke up with me because I only have 8 toes. Yes, she was lack-toes intolerant.
• I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.
• I've started investing in stocks: beef, vegetable, chicken. One day I hope to be a bouillianaire.
• If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock. Now that's humerus.
• I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. Now I have Heinzsight.
• Did you know muffins spelled backwards is what you do when you take them out of the oven?
• Scientifically, a raven has 17 primary wing feathers; the big ones at the end of the wing are called pinion feathers. A crow has only 16. Therefore, the difference between a raven and a crow is only a matter of a pinion.
• I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes. I turned to a local tribal leader and said, "That lizard is really funny!" The leader replied. "That's not just any old lizard ... he's a stand-up chameleon."
• I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I thought I nailed it, but nobody saw it.
• Singing in the shower is fine until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.
• The Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song, but the chick peas can only hummus one.
• Then there was the time Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court ....... it was a brief case.
• How much does a chimney cost? Nothing, it's on the house.
• Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible King, but he made a great ruler.
• Ran out of toilet paper and now using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg and tomorrow romaines to be seen.

• My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. That's right ....... Jack and the beans talk.
• I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants. You probably have not heard of herbivore.
• I was struggling to understand how lightning works and then it struck me.
• I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.

Contributed by: Janet Agassi