Laugh out Loud - 219

In the public library, a man with his new library card questioned the pretty librarian. "Do you mean to say," he asked, "that with this card I may take out any book I want?" "Yes," she answered. "And may I take out record albums, too?" "Yes, you may." "May I take you out?" he ventured. Drawing herself up to her full height, she replied, "The librarians, sir, are for reference only."

"Nothing looks good on me anymore," wailed a customer modeling an outfit in front of the department store's mirror. "Nonsense, ma'am," soothed the salesclerk. "That dress says it all." "That's the problem," the woman replied. "I need a dress that keeps its mouth shut."

Did you hear the one about…

…the shepherd who drove his sheep through town and was given a ticket for making an ewe turn?

…the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?

…the crustacean accused of promoting his own shellfish interests?

NBC's Moscow correspondent Irving R. Levine heard a Russian greet a friend with: "Have you heard? Pravda is running a contest for the best political joke. The first prize is 20 years." (From 1957 and still relevant!)

At a Hollywood wedding reception, one woman remarked how lovely the star looked as a bride, and another said sweetly, "Oh, she always does. She's thrown a bridal bouquet often enough to have pitched a nine-inning game." —Eddie Cantor

It seems I have spent a lifetime of mouthing mechanically, "Say thank you. Sit up straight. Use your napkin. Close your mouth when you chew. Don't lean back in your chair." Just when I finally got my husband squared away, the kids came along. —Erma Bombeck

"I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her way. Second, let her have it." —Lyndon B. Johnson

With a pile of 300 resumés on his desk and a need to pick someone quickly, my boss told me to make calls on 50 and toss the rest. "Throw away 250 resumés?" I asked, shocked. "What if the best candidates are in there?" "You have a point," he said. "But then again, I don't need people with bad luck around here."

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are. —Will Ferrell

• If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating?
• What is the sound of no hands texting?
• If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value of the self?
• To see a man's true face, look to the photos he hasn't posted.

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, "Be quiet for a little while." His read, "Talk while you have a chance."

Dad loves to eat and does so with gusto—to the distress of my mother, who worries about his weight. One evening Dad was devouring a snack of cheese spread and crackers. As he scraped the last bit of spread from its container, he asked Mom if she wanted to save the jar. "No, it's okay," Mom replied. "Go ahead and eat it."

Shorties:

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He just needed some space.

Why don't scientists trust atoms?

Because they make up everything.

Where are average things manufactured?

The satisfactory.

How do you drown a hipster?

Throw him in the mainstream.

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

Why can't you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?

They always take things literally.

How do you keep a bagel from getting away?

Put lox on it.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats.

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?

A receding hare-line.