Laugh Out Loud 209

I Love this Japanese Doctor

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste time on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; its' like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer?  Take nap!

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around! Eat whatever you like because you will still die. Don't allow motivational speakers deceive you.

For example:

• The inventor of the treadmill died at the age of 54
• The inventor of gymnastics died at the age of 57
• The world bodybuilding champion died at the age of 41
• The best footballer in the world, Maradona, died at the age of 60.

BUT

• The KFC inventor died at 94
• Inventor of Nutella brand died at the age of 88
• Imagine, cigarette maker Winston died at the age of 102
• The scientist who isolated morphine from opium died at the age of 116 in an earthquake.
• Hennessey inventor died at 98.

How did these doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life?

The rabbit is always jumping up and down but it lives for only 2 years and the turtle that doesn't exercise at all, sometimes lives 400 years.

So, take some rest, Chill, Stay cool, eat, drink and enjoy your life.

For Pun Lovers:

• The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi..
• I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
• She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
• A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
• No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
• A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
• A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
• Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
• A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit m
• A backward poet writes inverse.
• In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
• Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

Good for a laugh...

*Growing your own tomatoes is the best way to devote 3 months of your life to saving 9 shekels.

*My life's journey is mostly short walks between the armchair and the toilet.

*My tolerance for idiots is extremely low today. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there is a new strain out there.

*As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, one thing I'm sure of…it will be misspelled and have no punctuation. (!)

*Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves the same time he does.

*Me: Sobbing my heart out, "I can't see you anymore…I'm not going to let you hurt me again." Trainer: "It was one sit-up."

*Sorry I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.

*Don't irritate old people. The older we get the less "life in prison" is a deterrent.

*It turns out that being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

*Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think "That can't be accurate."

*I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

*Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words: defense, defeat, detail. Student: When a horse jumps over defense, defeat go first and then detail.

*I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.

*Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time," isn't the correct response.

*I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.

*Felt uncomfortable driving into the cemetery. The GPS blurted out "You have reached your final destination."

*My mind is like an internet browser.At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen and I have no clue where the music is coming from.

*Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling, and I'm still alive.

He did it — She did it

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit?

"Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit! " said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so! " God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" asked the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT! "

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

Elephant Sale

Imagine this being told with a thick New York Yiddish accent.

Moische and Sam, two old friends from the garment center district in Manhattan meet on the street one day.

Moische: Sam, have I got a deal for you. I will sell you an elephant for $100.

Sam: I live in a 2-room apartment, what am I going to do with an elephant?

Moische: He's so cute, got a big nose, you pet it, he drinks with it. You'll love him.

Sam: I got no room. What do I need an elephant for? You're crazy.

Moische: Ok. How about two elephants for $150.

Sam: Now you're talking!

Submitted by: Helen Bar Lev