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Laugh Out Loud

Three sisters, Bella 92, Estella 94, and Fellah 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old Fellah draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old Estella yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see. "She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old Bella is sitting at the kitchen table having a glass of tea, listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, "Oy, I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

Sam Lefkovitch notices his old friend Hymie Kaplan on the platform at Leicester railway station.
"Hymie! What you doing here?"
" tell you the truth I'm sick of my life. Hetty ran off with her therapist. When the next train comes I'm going to jump in front of it and do myself in."
"Oy! That's terrible. What's that you're holding under your arm?"
"It's a schmaltz herring sandwich on rye with a portion of coleslaw. You can starve waiting for a train here."

The barmitzvah was being held in the Royal Box at the Grand Concourse Catering Hall. The room was decorated lavishly with beautiful flowers. The smorgasbord table was overflowing with hot and cold delicacies to tempt any appetite. Statues of ice, spewing forth pink punch, were at either end of the long table. Mr. & Mrs. Harry Teitlebaum arrive a little late. They surveyed the situation and were annoyed by the ostentation. They were civil rights workers and it bothered them to see so much money spent in the name of religion. But their cousin Bruce's barmitzvah was a must or Mama Teitlebaum would never forgive them. As they walked to one of the three bars for a drink, the hostess greeted them warmly and gushed, "Isn't this a beautiful affair?" And pointing to a small round table topped with a life-sized sculpture of the barmitzvah boy made of chopped liver, she asked, "And what do you think of the gorgeous statue of my Bruce?" This was just too much for Harry Teitlebaum. In a voice dripping with sarcasm, he snarled, "Why, I've never seen anything to equal it. Who did it? Lipschitz or Epstein?" "Lipschitz, of course, darling," boasted the proud mama, "Epstein works only in gefilte fish."

Moishe goes for a walk in the woods. Suddenly, a 6-foot-tall grizzly bear appears and approaches him at a fast pace. Moishe stands there petrified and begins praying for his safety. But then Moishe notices that the bear has stopped, has put on a kippah, and has also began praying. Saved! But as Moishe approaches the bear with an outstretched hand to greet a fellow Jew, he hears the bear conclude his prayer with, "Hamotzie lechem min haaretz. Amen".

Doctor Sayahsky looks at his recently deceased patient Mr. Shlufen and asks, "What were his final words?"
The nurse replies, "None, Doctor - his wife was with him to the very end." 



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Monday, 22 July 2024

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