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A Bit of Humor

At a synagogue fundraiser, Ben, father of five children, won a toy at a raffle. He called his children together to ask which one should have the present.  "I am going to give this prize to whoever is the best boy in the house. Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?" Ben asked. Five small voices answered in unison, "OK, Dad, you get the toy."

It seems a group of leading medical people have published data that indicates that Seder participants should NOT partake of both chopped liver and charoses. It is indicated that this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver.

A synagogue passed a rule that whenever the rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.  After six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation held a meeting.  The rabbi said, "Children are a gift from God and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."  Mrs. Goldberg responded, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rain boots."

Four Jewish ladies are playing cards. The first lady sighs and says, "Oy..." The second lady nods, sighs, and says, "Oy vey!"  The third lady says, "Oy vey iz mir!"  The fourth lady chimes in: "Enough talk about the children already. Let's get back to the game."

A Jewish woman goes to see her rabbi and asks, "Yankele and Yosele are both in love with me; who will be the lucky one?''  The wise old rabbi answers: "Yankele will marry you. Yosele will be the lucky one."

Texan #1: I own 250,000 acres.I have 1,000 head of cattle. They call my place "The Jolly Roger."

Texan #2: I own 350,000 acres.I have 5,000 head of cattle. They call my place "Big John's".

Jewish Texan: I own only 300 acres.

Texan #2: 300 Acres?What do you raise?

Jewish Texan: Nothing.

Texan #2: Well then, what do you call it?

Jewish Texan: Downtown Dallas.

When young David was asked by his father to say the evening prayer, he realized he didn't have his head covered, so he asked his little brother Henry to rest a hand on his head until prayers were over. Henry grew impatient after a few minutes and removed his hand. The father said, "This is important ... put your hand back on his head!" to which Henry exclaimed, "What, am I, my brother's kipah?" 

Morris returns from a business trip and finds out that his wife has been unfaithful. "Who was it!?" he yells."That alta kakker Goldstein?" "No," replied his wife. "Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?" "No, not him." "Aha!Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!" "No, it wasn't Rabinovich either." Morris was now fuming. "What's the matter?" he cried. "None of my friends are good enough for you?"

Two bees, Mike and Melvin, are flying through the air.  One of them, Melvin, is wearing a kippah. "Why are you wearing a kippah?" asks Mike. "I don't want to be mistaken for a WASP" replies Melvin.

If a married Jewish man is walking alone in a park and expresses an opinion without anybody hearing him, is he still wrong?

I went to a psychic. I knocked on her front door. She yelled "Who is it?" So I left.

MY WIFE asked me why I spoke so softly in the house. I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening.
She laughed.
I laughed.
Alexa laughed.
Siri laughed.
◼ From Vera Freudmann 

 An airplane was about to crash, there were 4 famous passengers on board but only 3 parachutes left. The first passenger said: "I'm LeBron James, the best NBA basketball player there is. My fans need me. I can't afford to die." So he took the first pack and left the plane. The second passenger, Donald Trump said: "Out of my way. I'm the new President of the USA and I'm going to be the greatest and cleverest President in American history." So he quickly grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane. The third passenger was the Pope and he turned to the fourth passenger, a Lubavitcher Rabbi and said: "I am old, frail and don't have many years left. As a good Catholic, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The Rabbi turned to him and said: "Thank you but it's really OK ... there are enough parachutes for both of us. America's greatest and cleverest President has just taken my Tallis bag."

Submitted by Pnina Moed Kass



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Thursday, 07 December 2023

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