Laugh Out Loud - 215

You grew up Jewish if:

• You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone called roast beef "brisket".
• Your family dog responded to Yiddish.
• You thought pasta was used exclusively for kugel, kasha and bowties.
• You can understand Yiddish but can't speak it.
• You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.
• You thought that wine is SUPPOSED to taste like old cranberry sauce and have the consistency of syrup.
• You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.
• You know how to pronounce Yiddish words and use them in context, but don't exactly know what they mean. Keinahorra.
• You thought yelling was normal.
• You never knew anyone whose last name didn't end in one of 5 standard suffixes.

Sam Cohen & Morris Lifshitz met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Morris didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Morris hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Morris lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Morris, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Morris! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Morris, what in the world happened to you?

Morris replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Morris said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day, she knew I had money, and she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court I pleaded 'Guilty'.

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury'.

Cohenfucius say:

"Behind every successful Jewish man is a good Jewish woman – and a very surprised Jewish mother in-law."

"Man who keep feet firmly planted on ground have trouble putting on gatkes."

"Man who live in glass house dress in basement."

"Hymie Cohenfucius say I am NOT Sum Dum Goy."

When Jewish girl change her cloth in from of you, she either really interested or you in level 99 friend zone…or she no spot you in tree yet."

Joan Rivers quotes:

"I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was "the man goes on top and the woman underneath. For three years, my husband and I slept in bunk beds."

"I am not interested in exercise. If G-d had wanted me to bend over he would have put diamonds on the floor."

"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

"I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to do it all over again."

"Keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target."

"I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware."

"I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery."

"I must admit I'm nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it."

"When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off."

"Life is a movie and you're the star. Give it a happy ending."