Laugh Out Loud

Benny Friedman, a tailor who had been in business for over 50 years, was dismayed when a new tailor opened shop next door and put up a huge sign which read "Lowest Prices In Town". Benny was even more concerned when another competing shop opened on the other side of him, announcing its arrival with an even larger sign, reading "Finest Work In The Business'. Benny was panic-stricken, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read "Main Entrance".

A child came home from Hebrew school and asked his father "How were people born?" So his father said, Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." Then the child went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him "We were monkeys; then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

It's tough getting old, Sam says to Haim. "If it's not one problem, then it's another. As soon as I awoke this morning, I had two shocks, one after the other."

"What happened Sam?" asks Haim.

"When I woke up I thought my water bed had broken."

"Well, had it?"

"No, it hadn't."

"Well, that was alright then, says Haim. "So what was your second shock?"

"I remembered that I didn't have a water bed."

Sol and Leah were married for many years. Whenever they fought, yelling could be heard deep into the night. Solly would yell, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come and haunt you for the rest of your life." Neighbors feared him and Sol liked that. Then one evening, the old man died aged 98. After the burial, her neighbors asked Leah, "Aren't you afraid he may really be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?" "Nah," replied Leah. "Let him dig. I had him buried upside-down… and I know he'll never ask for directions."

Three elderly Jewish women get together for their usual weekly bragging session. This time they are discussing how much their sons love and adore them. Mrs. Schlonsky brags: "My son loves me so much he just bought me a new Cadillac for my birthday." Mrs. Cohen chimes in: "That's nothing, my son just bought me a beautiful beachfront condo." Mrs. Kaplan says: "Feh! All material things that don't demonstrate true love. My son on the other hand, goes to a psychiatrist once a week and for a whole hour he does nothing but talk about me!"

"A-two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it."(Seinfeld)

Judith and Isaac are having an almighty battle. "I'm disappointed in you, Isaac," shouts Judith. "When I first married you, I thought you were a brave man." "Yes dear," Isaac replies, "and so did all my friends."

One day at Katz's deli, a lady orders some extra lox for her bagel. On the way back from the kitchen unbeknownst to the waiter, the lox falls off the plate, leaving only a sprig of parsley. The waiter serves the lady with a flourish … and then gasps as he realizes his mistake. "I asked for Lox. "What's this?" asks the lady in an offended tone. Thinking fast on his feet, the waiter says, "This is our special today – "Goornish mit Garnish."