A Bit of Humor

Figures of speech . . . so go figure!

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is

surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them).

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up - we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify...

I answered, "a doctor."

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and

a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to synagogue doesn't make you Jewish any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

What a car-ry on

An angel came up to three newly-arrived men and said, "You are all to be allocated a method for

transportation around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your

transport chosen accordingly."

The angel looked at the first guy, Dave, and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man in life. You cheated on your wife four times. For this you will drive around heaven in an old beat-up Fiat."

The angel next looked at the second guy, Shmuel, and said, "You were not as sinful, but you still cheated on your wife twice. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon."

The angel finally looked at our hero, Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife. For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."

A short time later, Dave and Shmuel pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari. There he was, sitting on the bonnet, his head in his hands, crying.

"What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You're set forever. Why so down?"

Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth, and said, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard."

Ouch!

Heard about the Three Kick Rule?

A big city lawyer went duck - hunting in rural northern Minnesota. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field. As the lawyer climbed over the fence to claim his bird, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New York and, if you don't let me retrieve that duck, I'll sue you
and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes here in northern Minnesota. We settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule.

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I
get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and, being the person he was, decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

(I love this part)

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

Knowledge is Power

IRON CLAD CONTRACT - This came about from the ironclad ships of the Civil War. It meant something so strong it could not be broken.

RIFF-RAFF - The Mississippi River was the main way of traveling from north to south. Riverboats carried passengers and freight, but they
were expensive so most people used rafts. Everything had the right of way over rafts which were considered cheap. The steering oar on the rafts was called a "riff" and this transposed into riff-raff, meaning low class.

COBWEB - The Old English word for "spider" was "cob".

SHIP STATEROOMS - Traveling by steamboat was considered the height of comfort. Passenger cabins on the boats were not numbered. Instead they were named after states. To this day cabins on ships are called staterooms.

SLEEP TIGHT - Early beds were made with a wooden frame. Ropes were tied across the frame in a crisscross pattern. A straw mattress was then put on top of the ropes. Over time the ropes stretched, causing the bed to sag. The owner would then tighten the ropes to get a better
night's sleep.

OVER A BARREL - In the days before CPR,a drowning victim would be placed face down over a barrel and the barrel would be rolled back and forth in an effort to empty the lungs of water. It was rarely effective. If you are over a barrel you are in deep trouble.

BARGE IN - Heavy freight was moved along the Mississippi in large
barges pushed by steamboats. These were hard to control and would sometimes swing into piers or other boats. People would say they "barged in".

CURFEW - The word "curfew" comes from the French phrase "couvre-feu", which means "cover the fire". It was used to describe the time of blowing out all lamps and candles. It was later adopted into Middle English as "curfeu" which later became the modern "curfew". In the early American colonies, homes had no real fireplaces so a fire was built in the center of the room. In order to make sure a fire did not get out of control during the night it was required that, by an agreed
upon time, all fires would be covered with a clay pot called-a "curfew".

BARRELS OF OIL - When the first oil wells were drilled they had made no provision for storing the liquid so they used water barrels. That is why, to this day, we speak of barrels of oil rather than gallons.

HOT OFF THE PRESS - As the paper goes through the rotary printing press, friction causes it to heat up. Therefore, if you grab the paper right off the press, it's hot. The expression means to get immediate information.

There, don't you feel smarter now?

Not so fizzical any more

Two old friends meet after many years and talk about their past lives .

One asks the other:

"So, how's your sex life? "

"Same as Coca-Cola ... "

"Oh great! ... Full of bubbles, then? "

"Nothing like that!

Before it was CLASSIC, then it became LIGHT and now it is ZERO .... !"