And the opening bid is . . .
Gary was having a good time in Tel Aviv and was invited to a party. Unfortunately, during the evening, he lost his wallet. So, Gary, not being of the shy kind, stood on a chair and shouted,
"Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I've just lost my wallet with over $500 in cash in it. To the person that finds my wallet, I will give $50."
A voice from the back of the hall shouted, "I will give $75."
Sidney Cohen was thinking about how good his wife had been to him, and how fortunate he was to have her.
He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind-hearted?"
The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her so good looking?"
"So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her such a good cook?"
"So you could love her, my son."
Sidney thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but why did you make her so stupid?"
"So she could love you, my son."
One dark night outside a small town near Poulsbo, Washington, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Chasidic Jewish rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Jewish, ultra-orthodox men over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Chasidic old-timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides.
It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Chasidic old-timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat, he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave firefighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Moishe Goldberg, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat #@!$ing truck!
Bear In The Woods - An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals," he said to himself. He looked ahead and saw a bear charging towards him.
He ran but tripped and fell on the ground. The bear raised his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
A bright light shone upon the man and a voice from heaven asked, "You deny my existence for all of these years and now you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light. "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a believer, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a believer?"
"Very well", said the Voice. The light went out, the sounds of the forest resumed. The bear then lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive, Amen."
Dr. Goldstein, a renowned physician, was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Even chicken soup isn't good for you if the chickens are factory-raised. High-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, when Samuel, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand and softly said,
A collector from a yeshiva and school in Jerusalem knocks on the door of a house in New Jersey. The husband comes to the door and gives him $100. Impressed by the generosity the collector says "please tell me your Hebrew name and I will mention you at the Wall".
The wife comes to the door as well and says "If you're going to pray for us, please take this letter and place it in the Wall. We have been married for 15 years and have not been blessed with children and this letter is written from the heart, and begs Hashem to open his kindness to us.
The collector promises to deliver the letter and goes on his way. Five years later he passes by the same house on his rounds and knocks on the door. The wife comes to the door with a herd of children behind her.
"What happened?" says the collector. She replies "Our prayers were answered immediately. I was blessed with two sets of triplets and two sets of twins, 10 children in 5 years".
"Baruch Hashem "says the collector." And where's your husband? "
"He's in Jerusalem trying to find that letter."
Molly was walking past a pet store on her way to her volunteer job at her synagogue
when a parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" Molly was furious, but she continued on her way.
On the way home, she passed by the pet store again, and the parrot once more said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" Molly was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store to complain. The store manager apologized greatly and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
The next day, Molly deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" it said.
May Hashem grant me the inner confidence of an Israeli restaurant owner who translates his menu into English without running it past anyone who actually speaks English.