A Hasidic man, with a long beard, peyot (earlocks), a kaftan (a long black coat), and shtreimel (the traditional fur hat), walks into a bar with a multicolored parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender says: "Where'd you get that?"
The parrot replies: "Brooklyn. There's thousands of them."
Pincus was a very religious man, but after nearly 60 years' strict observance to Jewish law, he was fed up. "Esther," he tells his wife, "I've had it! No more getting up early every morning, putting on my tefillin and reciting the same prayers. I'm converting to Catholicism."
"Are you crazy?" asks Esther, but Pincus is determined. He goes to a local church, discusses his intentions with the priest, begins taking instruction and is baptized into the Catholic faith. The next morning, as always, he gets up early, and without thinking, puts on his tefillin and automatically starts to recite his morning prayers.
"What are you doing?" asks Esther. "I thought the whole point of becoming Catholic was so you wouldn't have to do that anymore."
"Oy!" cried Pincus, smacking himself in the forehead. "Goyishe kop!"
A Greek and an Italian were talking one day, discussing who had the superior culture.
Over coffee, the Greek says: "Well, we built the Parthenon." The Italian replies "We built the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics." The Italian, nodding, says "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies "That is true, but it was the Italians who included women."
A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leant over and said, 'Pssst' and it didn't move".
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later .... "Da-ad...."
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No, you had your chance. Lights out!"
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?"
"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!"
Five minutes later .... "Daaaa-aaaa....."
"When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?"
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug, "I can't dear, I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year-old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mummy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your bum?"
A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine ...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH is four."
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber's chair while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her: "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."