Laugh a Bit

Original spelling has been left in. 

• In the first book of the Bible, Guinness, God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.
• Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.
• Lot's wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
• The Jews were proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
• Samson slayed the Philistines with the Axe of the apostles.
• The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
• The first Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
• The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
• Moses died before he ever reached Canada, then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of geritol.
• The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
• David the king was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
• Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
• When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta.
• When the three wise guys from the East side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
• Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Submitted by David Chester

 Boca Raton, FL - At 7:52 last evening, according to reports, a local Jewish lady, Laura Becker, ordered directly from a menu without asking for any changes, substitutions or negotiating with the waitress.

We have not been able to independently verify these claims, but if confirmed, this would represent the first case in the documented history of a Jewish woman ordering food without making any changes or special requests.

"I simply did not know what to do," said waitress Susan Smith. "The woman said, 'I would like the tuna on rye, please' - and then handed me back the menu. I just kept waiting, but she didn't say a thing. 'No - Can you hold the lettuce, no - Can I substitute coleslaw for the pickles?' NOTHING! It was very scary," said a clearly shaken Smith.

• ​My wife and I went to the store with our masks on, got home. I took off my mask, and found I had brought home the wrong wife...Pay attention people!
• Hugh Hefner became a multi-millionaire staying home in his jammies. I'm not having the same result.
• I just got pulled over by the cops. He said "I can smell alcohol". I told him, "That's because you're not respecting social distancing."
• Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I'd go up to a bank teller with a mask on asking for money.
• Apparently one of the symptoms of Covid-19 is having no taste. Looking back on my exes, I think I've been infected for years.

Submitted by Janet Agassi

Moses said: Everything is from God.

Solomon said: Everything is from the mind.

Jesus said: Everything is from the heart.

Marx said: Everything is from needs.

Freud said: Everything is from sex.

Einstein said: Everything is relative.

​Arnold had reached the age of 105 and suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Worried by Arnold's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, his rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

Arnold looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must have 'forgotten' about me and I don't want to remind Him."

A yeshiva decides to start a crew team. But no matter how much they practice, they lose every single race. Eventually they decide to send one boy down to the nearby prep school as a spy, to watch their winning crew team and find out what their secret is. After a day of reconnaissance, the boy comes back. "Listen!" he tells his teammates. "I learned how they do it — they have eight guys rowing, and only one guy screaming!"

Abe has a job that takes him everywhere and he frequently has problems finding a synagogue in some of the towns, so he figures God is everywhere and he decides to go into a church to worship. He takes out his tallit, puts on his yarmulke and dresses himself, and proceeds to pray.

The priest comes in and wants to start the services, and having heard the whispers from some of his congregants, he stands up and says, "Will all non-Catholics please leave." Abe goes right on davening.

Next request, again, "Will all non-Catholics please leave." Nobody moves. Nobody responds.

Finally, the Priest gets up and says, "Will ALL JEWS please leave!" At this Abe gets up, folds his tallit and packs it away, takes off his yarmulke and puts it away. Then he goes to the altar and picks up a statue of the baby Jesus and says the immortal words: "Come bubbela, they don't want us here anymore."