ESRAmagazine

A bit of humor

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained,
"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Submitted by Rinah Sheleff


SENIOR DRIVER
My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
He said with excitement, "you appear quite elderly to be driving." "Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore. The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying,
'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and left."


BEST BRITISH MANNERS

Airforce One arrives at Heathrow Airport and President Obama strides out to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons.
Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is so atrocious that the passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen politely turns to President Obama: "Mr President, please, accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Obama, always trying to be "presidential," responds: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."


GAS ON MARS

Two astronauts land on Mars. Their mission: to check whether there is oxygen on the planet. "Give me the box of matches," says one. "Either it burns and there is oxygen, or nothing happens."
He is ready to strike a match when, out of the blue, a little green Martian appears waving all six of his arms and yelling "No, no, don't!" The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars?
Still, he takes another match and a crowd of hysterical green Martians advances on them, all waving their arms: "No, no, don't do that!"
One of the astronauts says, "This looks serious. What are they afraid of? Nonetheless we're here for Science, to know if man can breathe on Mars." So he strikes a match which flames up, burns down, and NOTHING HAPPENS!
He turns to the Martians and asks, "Why did you want to prevent us from striking a match?"
The leader of the Martians says, "Because it's Shabbos".



Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70 or beyond:
1. KIDNAPPERS ARE NOT VERY INTERESTED IN YOU.
2. IN A HOSTAGE SITUATION, YOU ARE LIKELY TO BE RELEASED FIRST.
3. NO ONE EXPECTES YOU TO RUN - ANYWHERE.
4. PEOPLE CALL AT 9PM (OR 9AM) AND ASK: "DID I WAKE YOU?"

5. PEOPLE NO LONGER VIEW YOU AS A HYPOCHONDRIAC.
6. THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO LEARN THE HARD WAY.
7. THINGS YOU BUY NOW WILL NEVER WEAR OUT.
8. YOU CAN EAT SUPPER AT 4PM
9.YOU CAN LIVE WI THOUT SEX BUT NOT WITHOUT YOUR GLASSES.
10. YOU GET INTO HEATED ARGUMENTS ABOUT PENSION PLANS.
11. YOU NO LONGER THINK OF SPEED LIMITS AS A CHALLENGE.
12. YOU QUIT TRYING TO HOLD YOUR STOMACH IN NO MATTER WHO WALKS INTO THE ROOM.
13. YOU SING ALONG WITH ELEVATOR MUSIC.
14. YOUR EYES WON'T GET MUCH WORSE.
15. YOUR INVESTMENT IN HEALTH INSURANCE IS FINALLY BEGINNING TO PAY OFF.
16. YOUR JOINTS ARE MORE ACCURATE METEOROLOGISTS THAN THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE.
17. YOUR SECRETS ARE SAFE WITH YOUR FRIENDS BECAUSE THEY CAN'T REMEMBER THEM EITHER.
18. YOUR SUPPLY OF BRAIN CELLS IS FINALLY DOWN TO A MANAGEABLE SIZE.
19. YOU CAN'T REMEMBER WHO SENT YOU THIS LIST. AND YOU NOTICE THAT THESE ARE ALL IN BIG PRINT FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE. AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:
NEVER, NEVER,NEVER
, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES TAKE A LAXATIVE AND A SLEEPING PILL ON THE SAME NIGHT!

Submitted by Milton Franks 

 

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Tuesday, 02 March 2021

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