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A bit of Humor

 GOOD QUOTES

I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old. When I was 65, I had cupid's eczema. I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now – I'm booked.

George Burns

If I had known that I was gonna live this long, I woulda taken better care of myself…

What is true is what I can't help believing…

And I believe this to be the absolutely truest:

"If my film makes one more person miserable, I'll feel I've done my job."

Woody Allen

The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.

Joe Ancis

I consider exercise vulgar. It makes people smell.

Alec Thornton

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance or a stranger.

Franklin Jones


BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in UK newspapers:

Free Yorkshire Terrier

8 years old. Hateful little thing. Bites!

Free Puppies
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

Free Puppies
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

Cows, Calves: never bred.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

Wedding Dress For Sale

Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

For Sale By Owner
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, 1/2 price or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.


The Andromeda strain
A man is walking down the street in Scottsdale, Arizona, when a beautiful woman appears out of nowhere right in front of him .... completely nude ... with green skin.

Stunned, the man starts to speak to her. "Excuse me, but you just popped out of thin air. How did you do that?"
"Oh", says the woman, "I'm from Andromeda, in what you call 'Outer Space.'"
"Andromeda?" says the man. "Wow! Do all the women on Andromeda have green skin like you?"
"Yes. Everyone is green on Andromeda," replies the woman.
The man continues to stare and speak. "Excuse me for asking, but I can't help but noticing you have 12 toes on each foot. Here on Earth we all have 5 toes on each foot. Do all Andromedans have 12 toes on each foot?"
"Yes they do," replies the woman.
"And forgive me for saying, but it's hard not to notice," the man says, "but you have 3 breasts. Earth women have only 2 breasts. Do all Andromedan women have 3 breasts?"
"Yes," replies the woman. "Actually, everyone on Andromeda has 3 breasts."
"Please, may I ask you one more question?"
The woman nods.
"I also can't help notice that on each of your hands you have 7 fingers and on each finger is a very large diamond. Here on Earth diamonds are very rare and valuable. Do all Andromedan women have large diamonds on their fingers?"

"Well ....," the woman answers, "not the goyim."

God (to a group of prototype humans): "I'm going to create a world where you can all live and pursue happiness."

Man: "What is this world going to be like?"

God: "It will be a wondrous place. I will stock every corner of the world abundantly with good, obedient women."

Woman: "Every corner?"

God: "You bet."

Man: "Sounds good to me."

Woman: (sighs deeply) "Thy Will be done."

And so it was that God created the world. He made it round, and then laughed.

Men are still looking for the corners.


GUD NORVEGAN HUMOR

Outhouse Problems

When Olaf accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold.

He explained, "I'm not going down dere just for 50 cents."

Swim Competition

A Norwegian woman competed with a French woman and an English woman in the breast stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The French woman came in first, the English woman second. The Norwegian reached shore completely exhausted.

After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked, 'I don't vant to complain, but I tink dose other two girls used der arms.'

Ve Couldn't Afford More

Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with only one fish.

"The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400," said the first Norwegian.

"Vell," said the other one, "At dat price it's a good ting ve didn't catch any more."

Music Solution

Olaf bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.

"Oh" said Ole, "I persvaded her to svitch to a clarinet." "How come?" asked Lars.

"Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet, she can't sing."

 

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