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A Bit of Humor

illustration by Denis Shifrin

Did you hear about the man who forgot his zip code?

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.' 


MARRIAGE HUMOR
Wife: What are you doing?

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: Nothing . . . ? You've been studying our marriage certificate for quite some time.

Husband: I was looking for the expiration date.


Wife: Do you want dinner?

Husband: Sure! What are my choices?

Wife: Yes or no.


Stress Reliever

Girl: When we get married I want to share all your worries and troubles, and lighten your burden.

Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.

Girl: Well, that's because we aren't married yet.

A few marriage lines

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, no matter who left you a fortune!'

A wife asked her husband:

'What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

This was not such a safe bet

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied: 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket.'

The man then said:'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man was watching TV when his wife bashed him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon regaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied: 'Your horse phoned.'

Teachings of Zen . . .

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just leave me the Hell alone.
Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

No one is listening until you fart.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of payments.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.


Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Some interesting observations

We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks is priceless.

Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit . . . A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. 

 

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Saturday, 24 October 2020

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