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A Bit of Humor

How's this for starters . . . the worst opening lines

Adventure story category:

Winner: Jack Barry, Shelby, NC

"From the limbs of ancient live oaks moccasins hung like fat black sausages - which are sometimes called boudin noir, black pudding or blood pudding, though why anyone would refer to a sausage as pudding is hard to understand and it is even more difficult to divine why a person would knowingly eat something made from dried blood in the first place - but be that as it may, our tale is of voodoo and foul murder, not disgusting food."

Runner-Up: Mike Mayfield, Austin, TX

"Sensing somehow a scudding lay in the offing, Skipper Bob tallied his tasks: reef the mains'l, mizzen, and jib, strike and brail the fores'l, mizzen stays'l and baggywrinkles, bowse the halyards, mainsheets, jacklines and vangs, turtle and belay fast the small cock, flemish the taffrail warps, batten the booby hatch, lay by his sou'wester, and find the bailing bucket." *

Historical Fiction category:

Winner: John Doble, New York City

"Napoleon's ship tossed and turned as the emperor, listening while his generals squabbled as they always did, splashed the tepid waters in his bathtub."

Runner-Up: Andrea Rossi, Wilmington, NC

"The executioner sneered as the young queen ascended the stairs to the guillotine; in the old days, he thought, at least there was some buildup, a little time on the rack or some disemboweling, but nowadays everyone wants instant gratification."

1

Strike while the

bug is close.

2

It's always darkest before

Daylight Saving time.

3

Never underestimate the power of

Termites.

4

You can lead a horse to water

but how?

5

Don't bite the hand that

looks dirty.

6

No news is

impossible.

7

A miss is as good as a

Mr.

8

You can't teach an old dog new

math.

9

If you lie down with dogs, you'll

stink in the morning.

10

Love all, trust

me.

11

The pen is mightier than the

pigs.

12

An idle mind is

the best way to relax.

13

Where there's smoke there's

pollution.

14

Happy the bride who

gets all the presents.

15

A penny saved is

not much.

16

Two's company, three's

the Musketeers.

17

Don't put off till tomorrow what

you put on to go to bed.

18

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and

you have to blow your nose.

19

There are none so blind as

StevieWonder.

20

Children should be seen and not

spanked or grounded.

21

If at first you don't succeed

get new batteries.

22

You get out of something only what you

see in the picture on the box.

23

When the blind lead the blind

get out of the way.

24

A bird in the hand

is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!

25

Better late than

pregnant.

French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney (AP), Paris, March 5

The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney.
The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris,
which caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.

Two fresh recruits found three hand grenades on the road and decided to take them back to base.
"What if one of them explodes?" asked one of them. "No problem", said his buddy. "We'll say we only found two."

On the wall of a mess hall at an army base 

"This food must be good. Ten thousand flies can't be wrong!"

Quotes worth quoting 

- Retirement at 65 is ridiculous! When I was 65 I still had pimples. George Burns

- Old age is the only disease you don't look forward to being cured of. Citizen Kane

- If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done. Unknown

- Remember that a kick in the tuchiss is a step forward. Unknown

- Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. Pablo Picasso

- Gray hair is G-d's graffiti. Bill Cosby

- The only thing that stops G-d from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. Nicholas Chamfort

- The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby. Natalie Wood

 

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Saturday, 24 October 2020

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